Angels brought me here

I am planning my revival. There are so many things I am thinking about--my family, my well-being and improving my life. A lot of opportunities I still have to explore.

Go on girl, go on girl

Have you ever fought for something you really wanted? How far were you willing to go? What changes have you faced? Was it worth the effort? Did you get what you wanted in the end? Or did you miss?

That thing called "moving on" sucks big time, doesn't it? I haven't been with the one I used to. Now I know how it is without your love. Well it's hard.

People say that when you get through this phase, you'll just laugh at it and think of yourself foolish. Well then I am an admitted fool! Was it wrong to believe? Was it wrong to trust? Was it wrong to give a chance to love and be loved?

I am not a perfect person. I have been so carefree in my life that I become careless. But sometimes I wonder if there are people to put the blame on this. If any, you are stepping on someone here. I hope you get what you want. I hope you are happy to watch me bleed helplessly. Try the heavy feeling that fills my chest. It tears me into pieces. It kills.

Being righteous is the key to being able to sleep peacefully at night. As my sister and I always remind each other, quoting from the movie "Alfie", "without peace of mind, you have nothing." I could have lost here, but maybe--just maybe--I'll get something else in return just as rewarding or even better. Hope is a wonderful thing. At least to those who still believe in positivity and defy what's evil. Not those people who take on the challenge to ruin others for the obvious reasons that they live a life of bitterness. Despite my shattered state, I am not one to give in to that kind of world.

I also realize the importance of trust. When it breaks, you suddenly feel all the energy you consumed. You lose the spirit. It doesn't feel right anymore knowing that everything that used to be effortless to you came down to nothing.

I remember wonderful memories all the time. I wish it didn't get to that point of disbelief and betrayal. I could've just ended it earlier for the wrong reasons. I'll take the blow for not giving it a chance alongside with all the what if's. Somehow I could retain all the beautiful things you said and still believe in them even when you're gone. Unlike now that they just pang in my ears. A jolt of pain in my heart every single time. No matter how happy we were. Or I thought we were. Whichever.

As the cliché goes, things happen for a reason. I'm a huge fan of it. The reason of which no one can comprehend just yet. Probably months or years from now, when I get to read this entry again... I will evaluate and ask myself: Was I really foolish? Let's wait and see.

Eleven no more

It was a moment I could still remember clearly and look back at beautifully. That spot where we both stood at a weird angle and smiled. It was so special I could almost hear music. I did not know then that it could change my life forever. And now it ends with an excruciating pain I feel in every inch of my body. Yet it is in this pain that I can affirm so much more how much I loved you. If only it could have ended differently. If only I could love you even for just a little bit longer...

I have been sober all this time. Drinking did not cross my mind. Perhaps because I know that not even alcohol can numb me at this. Losing someone you love doesn't need a juvenile approach to it. I just fight it and deal with it with all my might. But it doesn't stop. It just fucking doesn't. To be completely honest, I really don't mind. I suppose this is just how it is to fall in love.

"Said I loved you but I lied. 'Cause this is more than love I feel inside."

I wrote these song lines on a card I made that I intended to give last eleventh. I never got the chance to. Just as this love, our hopes and our dreams never got the chance to forever.

I almost forgot how it is to be alone. My superhero isn't around to save me from troubles anymore.

The End

Is it time to say enough is enough?

We've been here before. Heart torn out but still coming back for more. This lesson is learned so well. Endless fights and so the story goes. Argue after argue.