Holla!

Oooh busy times.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, as much as I did!

Much love.

CH-Ch-Changes

My struggles come as if the world is crashing down on me because I've been living in my own comfort for too long. What is weird about an ache is you don't know the source. Like a cut or a bruise, there could have been a fall, a stumble or a missed step. In life, there may be a parent, brother/sister, enemy or untrue friend who causes pain. I do admit of a deep ache I feel that constantly reminds me of how lonely I am. There's only one person outside my family that I've ever fully trusted with my heart. I no longer belong to this one person, nor does he belong to me. As far as I know, the ache just has to fade... or better yet... BE REPLACED. (Yes, I had to type it in screaming bold letters!) I long for a new sense of connection and belonging to overwhelm me and I have stepped out to do my part. There is this person I really like now, so I just might as well, ya, step out.

Exposed. Brought to light. Uncovered. Vulnerable.
Go big. Go deep.
And sing!
Heartbeat racing? Use it.
Feel the rhythm? Play it.
Go louder and stronger.
Fill the room.
...and ENJOY.

Hard to regain myself at times with my problems, my issues, my mistakes, the ways they do not know me, the parts they may not accept of me, their disloyalty... How can I trust them? I'm usually only afraid. It's like you can't breathe. It's like you can't see. It's like you can't find anything to hold on to. It's sad how people are constantly coming and going, but it's also amazing how there could be a person who comes in to change your life a little bit into something more beautiful.

It's like finding freedom. I thank YOU. I think of you now with a smile on my face and funny feelings I still cannot comprehend.

A song that knocks me out

This one is called Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson...

I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the rush of your skin
I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

[CHORUS:]
So come on get higher
Loosen my lips
Faith and desire
And the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

[REPEAT CHORUS]

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]

I miss the sound of your voice
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils and God when you come on
Hold on...

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right

Come on get higher
Come on get higher

Because everything works love
Because everything works in your arms

I shared the lyrics because I have a story in there. One that makes me fly high, but also one that's purely for myself, haha!

And I'm back in the game!

As Leona Lewis' song goes...

"It will all get better in time..."

What can I say? It's just gettin better and better... and better and better... and better!

Livin the time of my life. Yeah baby!

I decided to do the impossible

Of looking at the past... With talking to who I thought was my "enemy"... I should be happy, but I still feel a lot was lost. I can remember how it ended like it was last night's dream. I am tired of people treating each other to the point where it scars them for life. It really did scar me.

My mind is so boggled up with with everything that I can't write down what I exactly want to say. My head goes why... Why... Why did it have to become like this when I became so cautious with whoever comes along my way? I used to open up so easily but there's just so much in this world that I can't deal with it anymore. I guess this is how it should be, how God made his plans for us.

It may not make sense. So enough. I have my band's video to share... Enjoy!

I am too lazy right now to think of a title.

I am writing again. Usually a sign that I have run out of people to talk to.

Just when I thought everything was falling in the right places, well it's not. Stuck, I think. On and off with being happy. Or maybe I'm just worrying myself too much. Go away, negativity! God is good. I know everything will go well.

I closed my heart pretty well and tried to be strong until... Someone is coming around again. Talking, enjoying, joking. I just about fell apart when he held my hand. Almost got weak because of that one gesture. It's weird. I guess it's just a matter of not hating, but only learning to love a person more for who they were in your life. I really appreciated him and I want him to know just that.

My mind is swimmin. I gotta get some sleep.

"Antidote" is taking over my life

I went through a lot of emotional pain and have been basically learning how to hate. Hate is such a strong word and such a strong feeling. I despised the feeling because it made me feel like it wasn't myself and I was just going along with the hateful world around me. It is said that going along with this world is learning how to survive it. I've tried to go along with this world, but all it did was make me unhappy and make me more hateful.

I couldn't fail miserably and be pissed at the world for the rest of my life. Maybe patience does really pay off in the end.

Antidote (my band now) came along like a gift from God. I have seen them perform once about a year ago and it just so happened that now, I am the newest member. It is the coolest thing ever. They are very special to me now not only because I admire them for their wide range of musicality, but also for accepting me despite of how unexperienced I am, and even more for being a bunch of VERY nice people that I now call friends. I've had a few awkward moments with them on- and off-stage, but they never made me feel the pressure. I am very lucky and thankful. It's going to take a lot of work and determination and I promise not to let the band down.

I feel like I came a long way with my emotions and what I've been through. I've grown up, but I have a lot more to grow up to. I'm not perfect. I'm not the best. But all I can say is that I'm happy.

I'm happy now. I'm really really happy with the people who are in my life right now, no matter what I can't forget...

Pierced

My sister and I had our ears pierced yesterday. Mine on the left and hers on the right.

It was fast and easy, but it wasn't just a spur of a moment urge that I had to fulfill. It means so much more--that I understand pain and Antidote (my band). This marks an important moment in my life that changed me and I can look down at them and remember that I have come out on top.

Sad, sad song... =(

The Man Who Can't Be Moved (The Script)

Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

Cause If one day you wake up and find your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "son you can't stay here"
I said, "there's someone I'm waiting for If it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

Cause If one day you wake up and find your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe i'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
cuase you'll know it's just for you
Im the man who can't be moved

Chorus 2x

Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move

To the left, to the left

One look...

Is ALL it takes.

=D

Bohol

Currently Reading: The Poe Shadow by Matthew Pearl

I had a supah awesome 3-day vay-cay in Bohol with amazing friends. I wish to blog day by day, but blame it to laziness that this is all for now. Totally not in the mood to write.

I'm out...

A birthday blog long overdue

Ts still October anyway. Thanks to everyone for celebrating my birthday with me in one way or another. Despite the recent loss of my 4-month old digi cam during my birthday party at Lancaster Suites (dammit how my stuff always get lost!) and wishing that somehow some people are still present in my life... It had been a hella great celebration... Turning 23 was indeed worthy of a celebration, with the presence of God's unending guidance, of family, of new and old friendships and many many more. Thanks for all the gifts, too--you guys really know my taste hehe! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Moving on, I'd like to share something from the book I last read, The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho...

"All life's battles teach us something, even those we lose. When you grow up, you'll discover that you have defended lies, deceived yourself, or suffered for foolishness. If you're a good warrior, you will not blame yourself for this, but neither will you allow your mistakes to repeat themselves."

I look back at 23 years of my life. Some of it were things that I could not be proud of. Mistakes, yes. Yet in all of it that others may think shallow or foolish, ironically, were the phases that I found most meaning in my life. These moments are long gone. I sit here now, not knowing what else could be ahead. But stopping isn't an option. I'm down for it all.

Love of Literature

"A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne

Dull sublunary lovers' love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refin'd,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if the' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must
Like th' other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end, where I begun.

I like how the metaphor of the compass was used to prove a love so strong...

Quick update

Unbelievable. I am eating pasta at this unholy hour. Can my eating habit get any worse?

Whatever, Xtel!

I woke up today feeling so sad. Then I went shopping. And so the day ended with much much happiness. Haha!

The Butterfly Effect

The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. Of course the butterfly cannot literally cause a tornado. The kinetic energy in a tornado is enormously larger than the energy in the turbulence of a butterfly. The kinetic energy of a tornado is ultimately provided by the sun and the butterfly can only influence certain details of weather events in a chaotic manner. (Wikipedia)

CAUSE AND EFFECT.

This principle affects us in real life. It's as simple as saying that small changes in life lead to massive reactions. Whatever way we have taken will lead us to our future life. It shows us that we can never be sure of what the correct action is.

I will always choose the same life. I would never ever want to change anything from my past because everything I endured shaped me into who I am now.

So... Do you believe in the "Butterfly Effect"?

Everything starts now

New place... New job... I'm going to make you proud.

Reminiscin

I sang at a birthday party last night which was apparently hosted by a teacher in my high school. Funny how I was introduced. No, not that it was hilarious, but it was only funny in my part as I recalled old times. It started off that she was surprised that she saw me on tv the other week... That in high school, I "excelled" in academics, competing in oratorical and declamation contests and writing for the school paper. It's so out of line that all these became my thing, especially singing. Oooh I don't know how it happened too, haha. I mean, I was that kind of student who plays chess during sportsfest. Seriously. I bet if you met me about halfway my college years onwards, it would be hard to imagine how I was during those days, with the braces and all that! So what's the point of this entry? Errr, nuthin, just kinda missed being a diligent student wahahahaha! Anyhows, it's a Saturday night. Out with the gurls in a while... Have a great weekend everyone!

Busy times

Been out of the circulation.

I lost my wallet and my phone isn't working anymore (you know how Nokia N-series phones are). It only meant an ultimate shopping spree, which I did yesterday. I switched to Motorola and luvin it. I also splurged on footwear! *big smile*

A lot of things goin on. In fact, if I did not choose to stay, I should be in Singapore by now singing for a hotel. But yea, updates next time.

Toodles.

Midnight madness

It has become my recent habit to eat a lot even after dinner. I often get up in the middle of sleep once I get the feeling of wanting to munch on sumthing. Ew, I'm such a pig. I eat a range of junk foods, sweets and my latest addiction? Sisig! It's not a healthy practice, I know. It shall stop soon.

It's Dad's trip back to Pinas tomorrow! He's been gone for a while and I am pretty much excited to spend time with him. And, well, yeah... I'm also excited with all the stuff he bought for me. Haha, come on.

The band I mentioned in my earlier post... I did not push through with it anymore. Urrgh. I'm not very good at following through my plans. However, my resurgence is always at the back of my mind. I insist on remaining optimistic and motivated with life.

The past month has become very emotional and stressful for me. I thank the people who have been there for me. Thank you, you know who you are.

Start of the week

Off to band pictorial and rehearsal, but I still have a few minutes to spare on the Internet. It isn't as easy as I thought it'd be though. There are a lot of adjustments since I've been singing solo over the years. It's a challenge. Bring it on.

My dad's getting me tickets to the Daughtry concert on the 29th! Yayness! I just have to check how my schedule would be towards the end of the month. I wish I'll have time for it.

So yeah... I'm leaving... Bye now!

Sing to me!

You mean to me
What I mean to you and...
Together baby
There is nothing we won't do
'Cause if I got you
I don't need money, I don't need cars
Girl you're my all...

Chris Brown's "With You" still never fails to make my day.

Angels brought me here

I am planning my revival. There are so many things I am thinking about--my family, my well-being and improving my life. A lot of opportunities I still have to explore.

Go on girl, go on girl

Have you ever fought for something you really wanted? How far were you willing to go? What changes have you faced? Was it worth the effort? Did you get what you wanted in the end? Or did you miss?

That thing called "moving on" sucks big time, doesn't it? I haven't been with the one I used to. Now I know how it is without your love. Well it's hard.

People say that when you get through this phase, you'll just laugh at it and think of yourself foolish. Well then I am an admitted fool! Was it wrong to believe? Was it wrong to trust? Was it wrong to give a chance to love and be loved?

I am not a perfect person. I have been so carefree in my life that I become careless. But sometimes I wonder if there are people to put the blame on this. If any, you are stepping on someone here. I hope you get what you want. I hope you are happy to watch me bleed helplessly. Try the heavy feeling that fills my chest. It tears me into pieces. It kills.

Being righteous is the key to being able to sleep peacefully at night. As my sister and I always remind each other, quoting from the movie "Alfie", "without peace of mind, you have nothing." I could have lost here, but maybe--just maybe--I'll get something else in return just as rewarding or even better. Hope is a wonderful thing. At least to those who still believe in positivity and defy what's evil. Not those people who take on the challenge to ruin others for the obvious reasons that they live a life of bitterness. Despite my shattered state, I am not one to give in to that kind of world.

I also realize the importance of trust. When it breaks, you suddenly feel all the energy you consumed. You lose the spirit. It doesn't feel right anymore knowing that everything that used to be effortless to you came down to nothing.

I remember wonderful memories all the time. I wish it didn't get to that point of disbelief and betrayal. I could've just ended it earlier for the wrong reasons. I'll take the blow for not giving it a chance alongside with all the what if's. Somehow I could retain all the beautiful things you said and still believe in them even when you're gone. Unlike now that they just pang in my ears. A jolt of pain in my heart every single time. No matter how happy we were. Or I thought we were. Whichever.

As the cliché goes, things happen for a reason. I'm a huge fan of it. The reason of which no one can comprehend just yet. Probably months or years from now, when I get to read this entry again... I will evaluate and ask myself: Was I really foolish? Let's wait and see.

Eleven no more

It was a moment I could still remember clearly and look back at beautifully. That spot where we both stood at a weird angle and smiled. It was so special I could almost hear music. I did not know then that it could change my life forever. And now it ends with an excruciating pain I feel in every inch of my body. Yet it is in this pain that I can affirm so much more how much I loved you. If only it could have ended differently. If only I could love you even for just a little bit longer...

I have been sober all this time. Drinking did not cross my mind. Perhaps because I know that not even alcohol can numb me at this. Losing someone you love doesn't need a juvenile approach to it. I just fight it and deal with it with all my might. But it doesn't stop. It just fucking doesn't. To be completely honest, I really don't mind. I suppose this is just how it is to fall in love.

"Said I loved you but I lied. 'Cause this is more than love I feel inside."

I wrote these song lines on a card I made that I intended to give last eleventh. I never got the chance to. Just as this love, our hopes and our dreams never got the chance to forever.

I almost forgot how it is to be alone. My superhero isn't around to save me from troubles anymore.

The End

Is it time to say enough is enough?

We've been here before. Heart torn out but still coming back for more. This lesson is learned so well. Endless fights and so the story goes. Argue after argue.

World Pyro Olympics

Currently Reading: The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch with Jeffrey Zaslow

Wow. It has been a long time. I dunno. I suddenly felt blogging.

Amazing. Especially while eating at my supah favorite food est., Gram's Diner & someone really special beside me. Wooot!

...

Currently Reading: The Collected Works of Venerable Master Chin Kung

All I ask for is one day that I am not searching for answers...

There's something about Ryan Agoncillo

I could not delve and deduce. Moreno guys are a huge deal for me. I wonder how I developed a crush/obsession on Ryan Agoncillo over the past weeks, haha!

The festivities had been a whole lot of fun with all the yummy food, wine, gifts and most importantly, loved ones. Apparently, I have made use of the season as an excuse for eating out of control. Eh, whatever.

I have already listed down my predictions for myself this year in my journal. It's better to see them written down for more focus. I'll make sure there's a better "me" when I get back to it at the end of the year.

Oh well, I am running out of things to say. More next time. Tata.